Grief may be the rawest, most beautiful expression of love there is
By Lisa Sugarman
I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandmother today. Feeling her presence, trying to remember the sound of her voice, reflecting on the influence she had on my life, and missing being able to walk out of my bedroom and down the hall into hers. That’s because today is her yartzeit—the anniversary of the day she passed away—and my heart is missing her. And that alone is something worth sharing.
It’s been exactly 31 years since the last time I wrapped my arms around my Grandma Lil, told her I loved her for the last time, and said goodbye. She’s been gone for decades and yet, the sound of her infectious, Santa-like laugh is echoing loud in my head today.
I can still feel the buttery softness of the saggy skin under her arms that used to mesmerize me when I was a little girl, and I find myself longing to feel that softness today. I’m aching to hug her and share all the things she’s missed in my life since we lived together so many years ago.
Today, I’m thinking about the reality that very few people in my 2024 life knew her at all. And that makes me sad. Because, when I let my mind think about it, it seems crazy that most of the people in my day-to-day life are unaware that this remarkable woman lived with my mom and me from the time I was 12 until six months before my wedding. So, they don’t know the impact she had on my life or the profound impact she had on the person I’ve become.
I feel grief for my daughters who never had the chance to experience the epic human who was my grandmother. They never got to watch her meticulously spread butter on her toast to ensure that every inch was covered or got to spend a Sunday morning with her screaming at the fakeness of WWF wrestling or listened to her simple but profound philosophies on life.
The truth is, the strangeness of grief will never cease to amaze me. The way it often gives us the illusion that our person isn’t gone at all, while other times making us feel the searing pain of loss like it’s the very first day we’ve spent without them. And today, I think, may be one of those days.
And that longing never stops. Just like grief. Instead, it ebbs and flows and we’re forced to ride the tide wherever it takes us. Which is why fighting it is pointless and embracing the unpredictability of it may be the only way through.
I suppose the reason why I felt compelled to share a bit about how I was feeling today is because I’ve realized how powerful it is to acknowledge the grief we have for the people we’ve lost. It’s essential actually. That’s because, even though these feelings of deep sadness can often be too much for our hearts to bear, they can also serve a purpose too. And that purpose is to bring us closer to our person. These intense feelings of loss and pain are the very things that help them stay alive in our world and in the greater world around us.
Because even though our grief embeds itself deeper and deeper into our soul with every passing day or month or year, it also has the power to transform us. And it does that by deepening our connection to our person as it weaves itself into the fabric of our experiences and reshapes our perspectives and values and priorities.
So today, as I reflect on my beautiful grandmother and what she meant (and still means) to me, I’m giving myself permission to feel all the parts of that loss, of which there are many. And I’m here for all of them, as we all should be. Because grief really is just our continued expression of love. So, let’s not fear it. Instead, let’s remember to embrace it.
Lisa Sugarman is an author, nationally syndicated columnist, three-time survivor of suicide loss, mental health advocate and crisis counselor with The Trevor Project. She’s also a storyteller with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and the host of The Suicide Survivor Series on YouTube. Sugarman is also a Survivor of Suicide Loss Grief Group facilitator for Samaritans. Visit her online at TheHelpHUB.co.