WE ARE WHO WE ARE: Navigating the holidays when we’ve lost someone we love

By Lisa Sugarman

Warning: This column mentions suicide and may be triggering for some readers.

Losing someone we love changes us. To our core. It changes everything from our perspective on life and our relationships to our sense of purpose and our priorities. It can also have a profound impact on our ability to find joy when the person we’ve lost isn’t there to experience that joy alongside us. And one of the times we feel that loss most acutely is when we’re celebrating milestones and holidays.

Speaking as a three-time suicide loss survivor who’s lost three people I love, including my father, I can tell you that one of the hardest things I’ve had to navigate about those losses is sitting around the holiday table knowing that the person who’s usually sitting across from me isn’t there anymore. Because whether you’ve just lost someone or you’ve been grieving them for decades like me, the holiday season still stings when we can’t share it with our people. And now that it’s December, we’re approaching them fast. So, let’s talk about why it hurts so much and what we can do to help soften that pain.

In my case, I lost my father to suicide over 45 years ago, so I’ve missed over four decades worth of holidays and milestones with my dad. And I wish I could say it gets easier, but then I’d be lying. And I hate liars. What I can say with confidence, though, is that we do learn how to find joy and celebrate those special times alongside our grief. And while I know that probably doesn’t sound super comforting or ideal, it’s the truth. Grief and joy can co-exist. But how do we make that happen? Like how’s it even possible to have two such conflicting emotions flowing through us at the same time?

In my case, I lost my father to suicide over 45 years ago, so I’ve missed over four decades worth of holidays and milestones with my dad. And I wish I could say it gets easier, but then I’d be lying. And I hate liars. What I can say with confidence, though, is that we do learn how to find joy and celebrate those special times alongside our grief. And while I know that probably doesn’t sound super comforting or ideal, it’s the truth. Grief and joy can co-exist. But how do we make that happen? Like how’s it even possible to have two such conflicting emotions flowing through us at the same time?

Well, the first thing we do is to acknowledge that we’re in pain. Because without recognizing that we’re hurting, we’re avoiding the thing we need to connect with in order to allow us to start to heal. So, we let ourselves sit in the suck for as long as we need to until it passes. And that might mean just letting our emotions flow through us in whatever ways they come. Like maybe it means we need to cry it out or talk it out or run it out or journal it out. Because when we don’t open that emotional valve and let our feelings out, they’re just going to build and build until the pressure becomes too much and we suffocate.

That’s why, going into the holidays, we need to recognize that these important celebrations are just going to hit differently without our person, and that it’s totally normal for our grief to intensify during these extra-emotional times.

Then, we plan ahead and really give some thought to how we want to spend the holidays. We give ourselves the ability to be flexible about our plans to ensure that what we do feels comfortable. And we give ourselves grace to step back and change things up if what we’ve planned feels too hard in the moment.

Next, we give ourselves permission to say ‘no’ to the traditions or activities or gatherings that we feel our heart just can’t handle. And we do that by paying attention to what our heart and headspace are telling us about how we’re feeling.

We lean on the people we know we can trust when we’re feeling overwhelmed by our grief. And we talk about the way we’re feeling as a way of offloading the heavy feelings that play on a loop in our heads. And that might mean seeking out a close friend or a therapist to talk to about how you’re feeling. Or, maybe consider a support group where you can connect with other people who may be dealing with the same heavy feelings.

And we make sure to set boundaries that allow us to make time for ourselves, even if it means taking a break from some (or all) of the celebrations on our calendars. That can also mean taking breaks from the holiday crowd when we’re feeling a little too overwhelmed by doing something as simple as just stepping away for a little air or taking a walk to recalibrate our heart space. Or maybe it means forsaking the big events for a smaller, more intimate one at home.

Just remember that grief isn’t linear, especially over the holidays, and we need to give ourselves the time and the space to process it in our own unique way(s). And the important caveat to that is that we need to allow ourselves to experience our grief in our own personal way, even if it feels and looks different from how others around us are experiencing theirs.

But the reminder that I think may be the most powerful of all to keep tucked away in our heart is that, as humans, we are capable of feeling joy and lightness at the same time that we’re grieving. Because contrary to how it may feel, our emotional infrastructure is designed to carry the weight of both things at once without collapsing. Even when we don’t think we can.

Lisa Sugarman is an author, nationally syndicated columnist, the Founder of TheHelpHUB.co, a three-time survivor of suicide loss, a mental health advocate and a crisis counselor with The Trevor Project. She’s also a storyteller with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and the host of The Suicide Survivor Series on YouTube. Sugarman is also a Survivor of Suicide Loss Grief Group facilitator for Samaritans. Visit her online at TheHelpHUB.co.