WE ARE WHO WE ARE: How do we offer lifesaving help to someone who wants to die?

By Lisa Sugarman

OK, friends, I think now is as good a time as any to have one of the harder conversations I’ve been wanting to have here in this space. Honestly, I feel like we can’t afford not to. But it’s going to be a tough one, so I want you to know exactly what you’re getting into if you choose to keep reading so you can make the best choice for your personal mental well-being. Because today, I’m talking about what to do when someone we love is having suicidal ideations and wants to die. And that’s a topic that activates a lot of deep feelings and emotions and it may not be a chat you’re ready to have right now.

So, if you feel that a dialogue about suicide and people in crisis will be triggering for you, this is the time when you should gracefully dip out of the conversation and come back when you feel more emotionally ready to read on. Because, as a crisis counselor, I’m hyper-aware that certain conversations can be like a trip wire for our mental health, blowing us up on the inside when we stumble on them unexpectedly. So, no hard feelings if you choose not to continue reading because you need to have agency over your own mental health.

For those of you pressing on, here we go …

In case you haven’t noticed, as a global community, we’ve transitioned from one pandemic directly into another over the last couple of years, shifting from a world paralyzed by a physical disease to a world that’s been gripped by a similarly destructive mental health crisis. With depression and suicide statistics at an all-time high around the globe and tragic stories of people dying by suicide dominating every news outlet, the bottom line is, we need to do better prioritizing our mental health. And we need to work together to bring conversations about mental wellness (and unwellness) even further out of the shadows.

Now just for context and to help illuminate how dicey things really are, the National Alliance on Mental Illness confirms that one in 20 adults just in this country alone experience serious mental illness each year. That’s 50 million Americans every year. And an estimated 703,000 people die by suicide worldwide during the same time span. So, if you haven’t already encountered someone who’s contemplating suicide, it’s not unrealistic to assume that, at some point, you will. And if/when that happens, you’re going to appreciate knowing how to handle that delicate situation.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Hotline and a trained lifeline counselor will be there to help.

Click the photo to the left to go to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline website for more information.

So, what do we do when A) we think someone close to us is considering self-harm or suicide, or B) when someone confides in us that they’re contemplating ending their own life?

Well, we start by taking a deep breath. Then, we remind ourselves that the task at hand is to help the person de-escalate those feelings. After that, we ask the person directly, using very specific language, if they’re thinking of killing themselves. Like actually say, ‘Are you thinking of killing or harming yourself?’ And, while I know that may feel like a counterintuitive and scary thing to ask, using that direct language is actually proven to reduce the risk of that person taking their own life. That’s because when we acknowledge someone’s pain and suffering, we’re validating what that person is going through. We’re sending a message that says, I see you and I know you’re hurting and I’m here to help. And then, once you’ve asked the hard question, your job is to listen to them as best you can. Because while your gut instinct will be to solve their problems and take away their pain, that’s not your job. You’re there to hold space for them and to offer support and to remind them that they’re not alone. Which segues into the next, and possibly most important step, which is to encourage your person to seek help. And that might mean suggesting they connect with their therapist if they have one or helping them find one. It could also mean recommending they call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Hotline where a trained crisis counselor is ready to offer support and resources and connection 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

See, it’s when we start adopting a we-not-me attitude and we check in on each other by encouraging openness and honesty — especially with the hard stuff — that we’ll start seeing the scary mental health statistics start to trend downward.

Look, I know we’re talking life and death here, and that’s a terrifying conversation to be having. But it’s far better that we all have it now, when someone’s not under duress, than when we’re caught off guard and unprepared. Because what you’ve just done by reading this to the end is arming yourself with the tools that could potentially save a life someday.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Hotline and a trained lifeline counselor will be there to help. You can also bookmark my Mental Health Resources Hub on my Mental Health Resources page at lisasugarman.com/resources, so you’ll always have the resources you need when you need them most.

Lisa Sugarman is an author, a nationally syndicated columnist, a three-time survivor of suicide loss, a mental health advocate, and a crisis counselor with The Trevor Project. She’s also a storyteller with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and the host of The Suicide Survivor Series on YouTube. Lisa is also a Survivor of Suicide Loss Grief Group facilitator for Samaritans and she’s the author of “How To Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids And Be Ok With It,” “Untying Parent Anxiety” and “LIFE: It Is What It Is.” Her work has appeared on Healthline Parenthood, GrownAndFlown, TODAY Parents, Thrive Global, The Washington Post, LittleThings, and More Content Now. Lisa lives and writes just north of Boston. Visit her online at lisasugarman.com.