The heartbreak of having to resign from your dream job before you even start.

By Lisa Sugarman

Earlier this year, I made a defining [and super scary] career decision. I made the conscious choice to look for a new job outside the field I’ve been working in for the last 10+ years. I decided, very intentionally, to make the shift from creating content as a parenting author to working as a lifeline counselor, helping to support people in crisis. And even though it was a chicken-and-egg situation, where I needed experience to allow me to change professional lanes, I had accumulated just enough experience over the last year as a volunteer crisis counselor with The Trevor Project to make me a competitive candidate. So, out of almost 500 applicants applying for twenty positions as a 988 Helpline Counselor, I made the cut. And I got the job.

Then, after weeks of training and onboarding and only days before my official start date, I had to resign. And it was a d*ck punch that stung. Deeply. It was also pretty much the opposite scenario of what happens on a platform like this.

These days, especially in the current job market, most of the posts floating across my LinkedIn feed are from people who’ve either recently lost or landed a job. And, appropriately so, those folks are either celebrating their win or putting themselves out there in search of their next opportunity. That’s why the bulk of the content we find here focuses on best practices for strengthening our professional relationships or offers advice and strategies to help us better market ourselves to find work. Few posts, if any, though, talk about getting The Job and then letting it go, like I just did. And lemme tell you, that’s a unique kind of professional dilemma, one that I was unprepared to navigate.

See, I’ve been slowly shifting my career focus from writing parenting books to working as a mental health advocate, writing and speaking about suicide awareness and prevention and volunteering as a lifeline counselor. So, for a variety of reasons, like losing my own father to suicide, having a child with anxiety and depression, and battling my own genetic demons, working as a crisis counselor was the work I knew I was meant to do, and I knew it deep inside the marrow of my bones.

But I had to quit before I had even one foot out of the gate.

In my case, the reason I had to let the job go was just a case of bad timing. Unbelievably bad timing. I learned, quite unexpectedly and at the tail end of my training, that I was going to need extensive surgery on my left hand that was going to involve a long and painful recovery of between four and six months. And since I’m a lefty, there was just no way I could do the job I was hired to do—a job that’s heavily dependent on notetaking and typing and most definitely needs two hands. So, I didn’t think it was fair for my new employer to have to jump through all the administrative onboarding hoops to get me on staff only to have to sideline me for who knows how long.

That meant I needed to have a very frank conversation with my brand spanking new boss and cross my fingers and toes that maybe, just maybe, I’d have a job to return to after my recovery.

I mean, I think most people have had at least one experience of winning and losing a job at some point in life. Just probably not much practice landing a job they’ve actively pursued and then saying thanks but no thanks. But I’ll tell you what, as awkward as it was to have to withdraw from a new job, I learned that leading with honesty and transparency is always the right call. Which is exactly what I did. And as a result, my manager treated me with the same kindness and goodwill right back. She was understanding and compassionate in all the right ways and encouraged me to get back in touch as soon as I was on the back end of my recovery. And while there was obviously no guarantee of a job waiting for me six months down the line, my supervisor said if there was a position available, she’d love to have me back. And I believe her wholeheartedly.

So why am I sharing this experience? Well, because heartbreak comes in many different—and sometimes unexpected—forms. When we think of a platform like LinkedIn, we think of two things: networking and finding a job. There’s not much, if any, discussion about how to give a job back once you’ve got it. Which is why I thought it might be helpful to offer my experience and a couple of tidbits of advice if this ever happens to you. Remember, leaving a job, especially early on, can be just as nerve-wracking as the interview process itself, so give yourself grace and permission to do what’s right for you, even if it’s awkward.

First, lead with honesty. Reach out to your manager as soon as possible and be open about your decision to resign, sharing as much or as little as you’re comfortable sharing. Every detail isn’t necessary, but make sure you give the important highlights. And, if you can, do it in person or on a video call to make your resignation a bit more personal. Second, remember that things happen and sometimes we have to do what’s best for us for the sake of our mental or physical or emotional wellbeing and that’s okay. Because, at the end of the day, we have to put ourselves first. Next, never burn any bridges. And that starts with a sincere apology to your boss for any inconvenience your resignation might cause. Lastly, always remember to say thank you for the opportunity, even though you’re letting it go. Because being gracious and professional goes a long, long way. And you just never know when your next dream job will find you.

Lisa Sugarman is a parenting author, a nationally syndicated columnist, and an advocate for suicide prevention & awareness, as well as a survivor of suicide loss, losing her father, Jim, to suicide at age ten. Lisa writes the syndicated opinion column It Is What It Is and is the author of How To Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids And Be Ok With It, Untying Parent Anxiety, and LIFE: It Is What It Is, available on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble, and everywhere books are sold. Lisa is a crisis counselor with The Trevor Project, the country’s largest crisis support hotline for at-risk LGBTQ+ youth. She’s the co-host of the podcast LIFE UNfiltered, on iTunes and iHeart Radio, and a contributor on Healthline Parenthood, GrownAndFlown, TODAY Parents, Thrive Global, Care.com, and LittleThings. She lives with her husband and two daughters just north of Boston. Visit her online at lisasugarman.com.